Genuine Crime, or Just Clowning Around?

Hazing at Jesterz Clown Academy is finally getting the attention it deserves.

Just two months after celebrating his acceptance at the famed Jesterz Clown Academy, the apprentice known as "Jazzy" is throwing in his silk scarf… and the next one and the next one… etc, due to repeated incidents of hazing.

“Although clown hazing is as common as frat boys lighting their farts on fire,” claimed Jazzy’s attorney, Harry Nares, Esquire, “This is over the top. We’re talking about gags that have certainly damaged Jazzy’s already fragile psyche.”

Shenanigans began on Jazzy’s first day of on-the-job training, when he discovered the squeak had been removed from his brand new nose. "It was humiliatin'" he recalls. "I gave the nose a good squeeze, then... nuttin'. The birthday boy weren't too happy 'bout it neither." But that was just the beginning. The following morning, he woke to find his tiny tricycle replaced by a full-sized carbon racer, similar to the one used by Lance Armstrong.

And so continued a barrage of nyuk nyuks from the senior clowns. When it came time for an outing to the prop shop, Winkles and the gang arrived to pick up Jazzy in a Chevy Suburban. Asserting himself at last, Jazzy refused to get in, demanding they leave and come back with the properly sized clown car. Utterly ignoring his request, they “coaxed” him in by securing a tight grip on his oversized belt hoops and heaving him, like a sack of onions, into the cavernous gas hog.

Other complaints include replacing his clown white makeup with marshmallow fluff, a gag that attracted swarms of bees and, after the ensuing stings, earned him the nickname "Lumpy." This development managed to frighten even the few, rare children who were not already freaked out by the mere sight of a clown. Further, Jazzy's squirting flower corsage was drained of water, literally moments before his first official assessment. Dry-faced and unimpressed, the examiner failed Jazzy on the spot.

Jazzy and Mr. Nares felt certain they had a strong case against the academy, but sadly, when trial day arrived, Judge Schmeckpepper threw everything out before it even began. “First of all,” Schmeckpepper implored, pointing at Jazzy’s shoes. “How dare you wear those oversized clodhoppers into my courtroom?” He continued with fervor, “Hazing is a truly serious issue in the real world, and you come to me with this ballyhoo? What kind of fruit punch pumps through your veins to allow such gall?” Jazzy, Mr. Nares, and the entire jury were then escorted from the courtroom via conga line.

When asked for specifics about his earlier comment, concerning Jazzy’s “already fragile psyche,” Mr. Nares finally snapped. “His life’s ambition is to be a clown, for Chrissakes! How much more specific do you need?”

The plaintiff intends to appeal "like a banana"*, but regardless of the outcome, is excited to learn that he's been waitlisted at Mel’s Mime Academy. Stay tuned.

*Jazzy's words, not the reporter's.