"A Puzzling Collection of Words" -Critic Randolph Quigley
Quigley here, with my take on this week's book, which appears to hail from another dimension:
In the Realm of the Ogre
by Kai Manifred
Everyone remembers the restaurant scene in “When Harry Met Sally,” and has no doubt enjoyed parroting the famous “I’ll have what she’s having,” believing themselves to be oh-so-clever. I bring this up, not to berate all of you idiots out there who steal a movie line and expect a laugh, but because I distinctly do NOT want whatever the hell it is Mr. Manifred is having. In fact, in this case, I believe the author consumed a swollen can of alphabet soup (circa 1965), promptly vomited, then arranged the letters to form words in this chewed-up, rambling behemoth that makes Jack Kerouac read like Mother Goose. See for yourself, in today’s shared excerpt: the opening page, chapter one, from “In the Realm of the Ogre.”
***EXCERPT***
"When Gepetto bungled his pookenberry, geese flew, wigs spun one hundred twenty degrees and flip-flopped to the sea. Rubber and dynamite to the golf club. Golden. A buffalo’s fame, tuneless song, fifteen trees!"
***END EXCERPT***
In a normal reality, my assumption would be that you’ve never felt happier to read the words “End Excerpt,” except here, a lot of folks are clearly digging this shit: The book has sold over three million copies. Let that sink in. Three million, and, all in hard cover. Disturbing, and begs two questions: Really? And REALLY?
First, how did so many readers get past page one without wanting to wrap both ankles around their own head and roll down the street like a deranged bowling ball? I know I did that very thing, and my hips aren’t usually so bendy. Are all these plebeians actually reading the entire volume, or simply using the opening words as a gateway to increased hip flexibility?
As for hard cover purchases… who does that anymore? My guess is that buyers do not share my distaste for whatever the hell it is Mr. Manifred is having, and are literally consuming the book, perhaps with fava beans and a nice Chianti, in hopes that the pages are laced with the author's favorite drug. The plus side to this scenario is that once vomited back up, they too can dig through the spoils and write something equal to or, let’s face it, better, than this jumble of detritus.
Truth be told, upon completing this book, I actually phoned the author to be sure he was “okay.” To my surprise he answered, but did not appreciate my concern and proceeded to holler like a banshee, even managing to drown out a most peculiar background noise, which can only be described as a band of fornicating weasels.
I admit feeling not just puzzled, but envious of Kai Manifred’s success as an author, but it is not envy that makes me give the book ZERO stars and ONE juicy raspberry: Since completing this puzzling collection of words I’ve suffered crippling vertigo, and on a number of occasions been gently informed, by both friends and strangers, that my eyes are crossed, sometimes to a point where the iris is no longer visible. This development has deeply affected my ability to function in society, so I am especially grateful to be able to get this review to you.
Here’s hoping it passes soon. You have been warned.
Hope that your vertigo resolves and your eyes straighten out soon so you can write us another review and protect us from any more jumbles of detritus!
I found myself wondering if this book really existed, lol!! Kinda wish it did! I actually looked it up and found out that there's a book called In the Land of The Ogres, by Tom Holland, I think, so beware, lest he be less than happy with what he thinks is your review, lol!! The image of rolling oneself down a hill like a bowling ball is now ingrained in my memory box forever, and someday, I might just have to give it a try!!